


Crushes, Canines and Finally Growing Up

by Charlie_Quinn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Angst, Baby Harry, Closeted Character, Desi James Potter, F/M, Fluff, Gay Character, Hope Lupin is a bit to invested in her sons life, I’m sorry Remus, M/M, Pan Character, Quite graphic violence so don’t read if that’s a trigger, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus needs a hug, Sirius is a little shit, Swearing, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, Who am I kiding, bi character, everyone lives AU sort of, its only 4 years but its not canon so, it’s proper angst, not really sure where im going with this, probably add more later, probably be mentions of child abuse, self deprecating Remus, slight age gap, slight angst, voldermort is totally dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24626500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie_Quinn/pseuds/Charlie_Quinn
Summary: Remus has never had many friends since Hogwarts, a sacrifice he's made to preserve his secret. He's been living in the Muggle world since he was eighteen and has a set schedule, like a middle-aged businessman. When his mum invites (forces) him to attend a  party, dragging him out of his bookshop and encouraging him to finally make some friends, the twenty-one year old comes face to face with an old school mate that might just shake up his carefully planned life.Sirius is bored. He's still adjusting to living without the constant fear of the war and working through his past problems from the Most Abusive and Incestuous House of Black, all while trying to be a good godfather. The number of loose Death Eaters dwindles, along with his work as an Auror, and he misses the thrill. Sirius is worried that the war was the only thing keeping him grounded. But when Lily drags him along to a party, maybe a man he hasn't seen in years can help him start living again.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 41
Kudos: 55





	1. Sunday visits, meddling mothers and unplanned events

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first chaptered fic! the past 2 days I've got really into writing and decided I might as well! I'm not really sure how it's going to go but I have basic idea. updates will probably be quite erratic but I'll try my best and probably see if it gets any interest before writing miles ahead. I hope you like the first chapter! the next will be Sirius' POV.

Remus Lupin did not like surprises. He had a structure. He worked six days a week at his bookshop from 9 to 5, and then went shopping and visited his mother on Sunday. That way he could keep his lycanthropy under wraps by only socialising with the people who already knew about it. Needless to say, he was always bored. Every second of the day he sat and waited for the next moon or sold his books and drank endless cups of tea.

It had been like this since the war escalated. Remus had been a very quiet child at Hogwarts. He had kept to himself for seven years and only really made acquaintances, never friends. This was of course purposeful, he had kept his secrets and was happy for it… mostly. 

He had been sorted into Gryffindor, luckily. A Ravenclaw would have worked it out, a Slytherin would have hated him for it and a Hufflepuff would have gotten too close. The Gryffindors let him be and didn't bother the weird kid who read a lot and had dozens of scars.

When he left school he did a few handy jobs for shops in Diagon Alley, but everyone worked it out eventually. By the time he was eighteen and had been out of school for over a year, news had gotten around and jobs started to turn him down as soon as they recognised his face. He was unceremoniously dumped out of the wizard community and was living off odd jobs (where he took too much sick leave) in the muggle community when his uncle died, six months later. This was around the time the war ended, but Remus was afraid to go back to the wizarding world completely because prejudice had festered during the war time and werewolves were hated even more. In fact, as soon as James Potter saved his entire family and destroyed Voldermort with the power of love, it seems the wizarding world lost some. 

He hadn't known his uncle very well, only that his grandparents really didn't like him and that his mother by consequence only visited him three times in Remus’ childhood. The man had left everything to Remus, including a dusty old bookshop in the outskirts of London with a few regulars and a paid mortgage.

Remus had been delighted and instantly moved into the flat above the bookshop. The flat was full of all kinds of junk Mr. Brethren had collected over the years, from newspapers dating back 50 years to an extensive paper plane collection. He also had a lot of pictures of a young man named Joshua. Remus found out that Joshua had died a decade ago and thought the nature of his uncle's relationship may be the reason his deceased grandparents had hated him so much. 

Remus kept the pictures in a box in the loft. Once he had finally moved in he reopened the shop and began to befriend the regulars. He used to go to his parents on the full moon, but after he buried his father he started going to the ministry holding cells instead. It was far from perfect and he hated the disgusted looks he got whenever he went to the ministry, but his mother moved after his father died and you can't keep a transformed werewolf in a flat in London with no basement.

Now, at the age of 21 but feeling much much older, he finally had a stable calm life and was dreadfully, drearily bored. 

It was late afternoon on a Sunday and Remus had just walked through the door when the questioning started. God, the questions! His mother would never leave him alone. She didn't understand how serious his affliction was and often pressured him into making friends or, god forbid, getting a girlfriend. 

“Met any girls dear?” she called before Remus was even through the door. 

“Yup!” hollered Remus with a smirk. “Mrs. Deardre from Number 21 is a rather lovely widow with a beautiful smile.” 

“Oh?” crooned Mrs Lupin. 

“Yes, as long as she’s got her dentures and stick her son could walk her down the aisle.”

Mrs Lupin sighed and shook her head at her son. Her young strapping son in his early twenties who'd never had a proper friend, let alone bought a girl home.

“Just put the kettle on love.” 

Remus nodded and walked the few meters to the kitchen of the small flat. When his father had died of a magical disease he was only fifty, so Hope received some payment, but even with the extra money Remus brought in, it wasn't enough He tried to get her to live with him, but she liked her independence too much and couldn't bear to be coddled by her own son. Besides he couldn't live with his mother! How would he get a girl then?

What Hope didn't know was that rather than girls, there had been a small but steady stream of muggle boys in and out of Remus’ flat that never stayed for long and didn't kiss and tell. Remus was prepared to keep this secret for as long as it took his mother to forget grandchildren and not be disappointed to discover another reason she won't be getting any biological ones.

Remus was just settling down with his tea and pouring sugar into his mother’s when she dropped the bombshell. 

“I’m going to my friend Jezabel’s party tonight, and I've told her you're coming with me. Before you say you have no clothes, I've bought you something and we’re meeting her at seven, whether you like it or not.” 

“Mum I’m twenty one!” Remus cried, shocked at his mother's interference going so far.

“Only just, Remus dear. And you're lonely, no good twenty something should be lonely.” 

Remus groaned and glared at his mother. “Fine but who's going? I'm not having you set me up with some old lady in a hoop skirt.” 

“I'm not setting you up, you need to make friends. Actually some of your lot are coming. Auntie Ness is going to be there and she's bringing her niece who's a muggleborn, and she’s taking her husband and kid and the kid’s godfather.” 

Remus looked suspiciously up at his mother. Auntie Ness’ husband died years ago and he wasn't aware he had siblings who had kids. If they're around his age, he'd probably know them from Hogwarts anyway. That was also a very large extension of the whole “plus one” thing, but he wasn't here to judge. 

“Do you have any names mum?”

“Errr,” Hope had to think about this (her memory wasn’t the best and at the time she had been distracted by Ness’ cream cakes) “I think it was Porter or...Potter! That’s it!” 

Remus looked up in shock, “Oh god, not James and Lily Potter?” 

“Yes that was it, how do you know them?” 

“Mum, they’re like the Saviours of the Wizarding World! James literally killed Voldermort!” 

“Well they must be a good sort then. Honestly, you don’t need to look so shocked. There's not that many wizards, you’d probably see them in that alley of yours. Now that godfather...he had an odd name. Let me think...yes, Sirius! Like the star.”

Remus looked up so quickly at the name “Sirius” that his neck cricked. Oh bloody hell, it's Black. Sirius had been three years ahead of him at school. He had the most fantastic smile and played beater on the Quidditch team. He had wiry quidditch muscles and barked when he laughed and wore his silky black hair long and sometimes, if Remus was really lucky, in a bun. Remus had more than a little bit of a crush on Black in school. When he was in first year it could be passed off as admiration, but by third year he realised it was quite a lot more. 

The boy had made him weak in the knees and he’d only ever made an ass of himself. He had fallen down countless stairs, tripped over his own feet and gone more red than was physically possible, and that was just by looking at him. What's worse is that the literal god would sometimes smile at him. Smile! 

It wasn't purely physical either. He had been worried when Sirius withdrew on himself at the beginning of seventh year and had hated the faceless evil that made him frown at letters. He had found the pranks absolutely hilarious and admired how kind and loyal he was to his friends. Probably a bit too much, seeing as what happened to Pettigrew.

Remus had been a very solitary lonely child and had almost lived through the boy he admired so much. He had been so jealous of James and Peter for being close to him, and was glad that even though countless girls chased after Sirius, he never dated. Remus did not need anymore people to hate. 

He had never really said more than a few stumbled pleasantries to him in the whole four years they were at school together. A lot of his one night stands had long black hair and pointedly pale faces.

“Remus! Dear, you’re zoning out.” 

Remus realized his mother was talking to him and offered a sheepish smile. She had a very disapproving look on her face. 

“So you know this Sirius then?” she asked warily. 

Remus gulped and slowly nodded his head, “Yeah he was three years older, I remember him from Quidditch.” Hope looked unconvinced but let it slide. 

“So you're coming then?” 

“Do I have a choice?” 

“No dear, you don't. Now, I'll show you your clothes.” 

Hope walked out of the room and came back a few minutes later with a simple white button down, blue jeans and a red jumper. Remus grinned at his mother. The jumper was maroon just like the Gryffindor ones, and he still had an itch of house pride that his mother loved to indulge in. 

“Well go on, try them on!” Hope said, shooing Remus to the bedroom where he quickly dressed, leaving the top buttons of his shirt down and cuffing his blue jeans. It wasn't a bad look, and he was already thrumming with the anticipation of seeing his childhood crush after so long. He wasn't sure if he wanted Sirius to remember him or not, seeing how he always stuttered and embarrassed himself at fourteen when he'd last seen him. 

He returned to the lounge and his mother said he looked rather dashing before going off to change and put on her makeup. Knowing she would take at least another hour, Remus pulled out the book he brought with him, ‘1984’ by George Orwell, and smirked at the date. He had successfully distracted himself.


	2. Tantrums, apologies and an old friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this thanks for sticking with the story! I’m all for constructive criticism and I was wondering what you guys thought of Sirius? Sorry for any spelling mistakes I’m not the best editor. Enjoy the chapter! 
> 
> Edit- the first two chapters of this story have been edited and reposted thanks to my lovely new beta not_today (708234). If your into Miraculous Ladybug I suggest you read their fanfics!

Sirius Black was bored. He was so bored he was hanging off the top of his ‘definitely not trying to emulate the Gryffindor dorm's red four poster‘ throwing magical darts that exploded when they hit something, towards a picture of his best mate James.

James was a traitor, he had told Sirius to bugger off and let them have a couples night yesterday for no good reason. Sure he had flooed uninvited in on them kissing but that's not how you treat a guest! Since when was your wife more special than your best friend. 

But no mates before dates goes down the drain when you've been married for 5 years and have a kid. Surely Lily understood that she basically married both of them except the whole sex business. 

Sirius was having a bit of a childish strop not that he’d admit to it. Downstairs Lily Potter had just stormed into the lounge with a screaming 4 year old on her hip and a whining husband on her arm. The sounds of this were blocked by the very loud David Bowie blasting around the house from an irate adults record player upstairs. 

Unceremoniously dumping Harry on James, Lily took the stairs two at a time on her way to Sirius’ room. She knocked once angrily on the door, before bursting through accioing whatever probably dangerous thing was in Sirius’ hands and setting him up right in five ridiculously quick movements of her wand. 

Sirius for his part looked scared, bewildered and then smirked up at Lily and settled down on his bed.  
“Morning” he snickered. 

“A HOWLER IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE WAY TO WAKE A YOUNG FAMILY ON A SUNDAY MORNING AT SIX AM” Lily shrieked her magic sparking and chucking bits of clothes off the floor onto Sirius’ face. “Now tell me what's wrong and we’ll talk about it.” 

Sirius looked mildly surprised she hadn't ripped him a new one, before huffing and crossing his arms as Lily sat next to him on the bed. 

James was and always will be his best friend but the bloke was not very good at dealing with sirius’ baggage, purely because he’d never had family issues. James was also very forgiving and let Sirius get away with more than is probably healthy. Ever since they had spent a night in sixth year playing chess and talking about shitty families Lily had been like Sirius' personal therapist and him hers. Lily understood Sirius and always had the right advice. Sirius still told James everything but he was someone you told to get it off your chest not to get guidance. 

Sirius shrugged non commentary and Lily rolled her eyes. “Black I know your dramatic but not even you would get this upset about James and me having a couples night unless there was something going on. You know you can tell me.” 

Sirius debated whether he should or not. On one hand Lily would probably help him and understand, on the other his reasons already sounded stupid to him. He turned to Lily with a shamed face, better to get it over with.

“I don't know Lils I just, god I’m so, I'm so bored Lily.” Lily gave him a speculative look, “I- I feel like times running away and i'm not doing anything with my life. Voldy's dead and most Death Eaters are captured by now, I'm bloody useless.” 

Lily shook her head at him, “your not useless sirius time is just moving you need to move with it. You always said you didn't want to be an auror forever. There's so many great thing you can do you just need to look for things and get yourself out there” 

Sirius nodded looking slightly more assured. Then he looked towards his desk and his face fell again. Lily followed his gaze and frowned when he saw a piece of parchment with the black family crest at the top of a rough pile of papers. 

“Letter from your parents” she prompted and Sirius unconsciously sat up a little taller. 

“Yup they cant leave me alone ever since reg- you know” he said in a humorous voice but his eyes where a hard unfeeling grey of someone well trained to hide their emotions. Reg's disappearance had hit Sirius hard since he was the only family member he still somewhat liked. They had had a plan once the war ended to get him pardoned and remove him from that horrible family but now he was missing, probably dead, and Lily thought it may have broken Sirius a little. He would never admit it though. 

Lily acciod the letter and gave it a quick read through before affirming that it was spouting the usual bullshit and incedioing it to ashes. 

“Don’t even think about them,” she said with the fierce protectiveness of a mother. Sirius smiled at her and got up to turn off the Bowie record, which had reached the end and was making indistinguishable squeaks. 

“Thanks Lily, you're such a great friend. I really don't deserve you,” Lily opened her mouth to protest but Sirius cut her off. “Neither does prongs! Where is the great git and my fabulous godson?” 

Lily chuckled and motioned downstairs. Sirius bounded down eagerly while she followed at a more measured pace. James looked up wairily when he saw Sirius, but sighed in relief when he saw the man’s usual ear splitting grin. 

Harry reached out, yelling “Padfoo!” Sirius chuckled and lifted his godson into the air. 

“Alright Prongslet” he called, whirling the kid around, to Lily’s exasperation. 

“Padfoo! Mummy says we’s all going to a party. You coming? Daddy says there will be drinks so Padfoo will deff...definn...come with us!” Harry had a little bit of a lisp and wasn't too good with long words. 

“Party?” questioned Sirius, looking up at James. 

“Lily's aunt invited us and we thought you could do with getting out. It's a little get together for her friend's 50th, but they need a lot of people to boost the guest list and get this premium thing for champagne or something,” James muttered, wincing.

“We said you'd come and your name is on the guest list. We put you down last week but I kept forgetting to tell you, sorry mate.” James continued. 

Sirius smiled, a bit bemused. He knew they had his best interests at heart, but it was a bit sudden. Sirius took everything in his stride though, so he decided why not? Might be fun. 

“So you coming Padfoo?” muttered Harry, burying his head in Sirius’ legs. 

“Why not?” Sirius shrugged and the Potters beamed at him. Lily had said he should get out more, what's a party going to hurt? If Harry was going, it was obviously not one where you get shitfaced. 

Lily had a smirk on her face, which was worrying. She turned to Sirius “Your favorite person from Hogwarts is going,” she snickered. Even James cracked a smile at that.

“Mcgoogs?” Sirius asked, confused. Harry giggled and shook his head. 

“No, mummy and daddy say Wemus Lupin is going to party!” 

Sirius’ eyes widened before he smiled and shook his head, “Loops? God, he must be...what? 21 now?” 

James laughed. ”Do you think the poor kid still fancies you?” 

Lily gave him a disapproving look. “You're not to tease him. I think it was quite sweet how he acted around you, Sirius.” 

“Trust me,” Sirius began, leering. “When he had that growth spurt I didn't mind much. How do you think he looks now?” 

James snorted. “Mate he was only just fifteen when we left! You were an adult by then, you prick.” He gave Sirius a side eye, as if to say you better not have done anything. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “It's not like I actually did anything back then. And besides, he’s an adult now.” Lily still looked apprehensive. “Lily honestly, I actually quite liked him when he could get two words out between his stuttering back in the day. I’m not going to do anything horrible now.” 

Lily looked unconvinced but nodded and checked the time. She glanced at Sirius. 

“It’s 5:30, so the party is in an hour and a half. James, can you cook something while I help Sirius with his clothes? And, ooh...maybe some eyeliner or lip gloss?” 

Sirius perked up at the thought of Lily doing his makeup. No matter how much he tried, she was the only one who could get it absolutely perfect. 

“Prongs, I reckon there's some potatoes in the pantry. I’ll chat with you later mate. But now the more pressing question, Harry, would you like to help Prongsie cook or choose a lip gloss shade for uncle Pads?”

Harry grinned up at Sirius before making a very concentrated face and finally blurting out his choice.

“Padfoo you need purple today, to go wiv your hair!” Harry bounded up the stairs to raid Sirius’ makeup collection. 

James grinned fondly at Sirius. “Padfoot, can you stop stealing my wife and kid?!” he moaned playfully, pulling Sirius into a big bear hug afterwards. “I'm glad you're alright. Now go make yourself pretty. I'm gonna cook dinner.” 

Sirius nodded and headed upstairs to find Harry absolutely smothered in red lipstick. He shook his head fondly and sat on the chair as Lily grabbed an eyeliner pencil like a knife, pointed it towards his eye and began drawing thick gothic lines. 

His mind couldn't help but wander back to the gangly fifteen year old who used to flush bright red as soon as he saw Sirius. He sighed contentedly before clearing his head. He didn't really want a distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you did enjoy! next chapter will be the party from Remus’ point of view and then I’ll still alternate but probably jump forward in time with each chapter.


	3. Parties, drunk mothers and very awkward first impressions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is up! Remus and Sirius finally meet; awkwardness ensues!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was once again made readable by my beta not_today 708234! I hope you guys like it. Thank you for reading this far! 😁

“Are you sure I look alright dear?” 

Remus rolled his eyes. He had lost count of how many times his mother had asked him that question at about five. It was six minutes to seven and the pair were just outside the venue for the party, a large concert hall in the centre of town. There were several cars parked and many other random guests around the doors dressed in similar casual wear for the semi-fancy event. None of them had the high cheek bones and long locks of a certain Black, to Remus’ disappointment.

“Yes mum, you look wonderful," Remus muttered, for the millionth time. He was a mess of nerves at the thought of seeing his old house mates and crush. Remus was glad he had control of his magic because as a child in similar situations, he had a habit of unintentionally making his outward appearance match his feelings. He once accidentally magiced a glamour of a rotting corpse when he felt like death in St Mungos, and the nurse was horrified. Thanking Merlin he wasn't suddenly a very real pile of jelly, Remus managed a comforting grin towards his anxious mother.  
Hope smiled and ruffled Remus’ hair, despite the almost foot of distance between them. 

“You look rather dashing too, dear,” she cooed fondly. Remus grimaced and pulled away but was secretly quite pleased with the reassurance.

Suddenly, the doors opened and Remus quickly ambled inside, pleased to escape the freezing cold late autumn weather. The room was decorated very beautifully with silver balloons proudly displaying ‘50 TODAY’ on them and a live country band in the corner.

Country wasn't really Remus’ taste; he was more into melancholy rock like the Smiths and the Stone Roses. He also had an embarrassing obsession with ABBA that he would never admit to anyone. 

Towards the back of the venue was a rather packed bar that everyone had gravitated towards. Beside the dance floor was a loaded buffet table which Remus snuck over to after exchanging polite greetings with his mother's friends. He chewed on a piece of bread dipped in fondue as he not-so-subtly scanned the crowd for the Potters, or more specifically, Sirius Black.

“Looking for someone?” a familiar voice asked from behind him. 

Remus slowly turned around and allowed himself to fully take in Black for the first time in six years. The man was wearing slim fit black jeans, a loose David Bowie shirt styled like a crop top and his trademark studded leather jacket. His eyes were lined with thick kohl and his lips a dark plum purple.

Remus gulped and looked up from the chest in front of his face, into the amused gaze of one still stunningly attractive Sirius Black. 

“Erm...hello,” he mumbled, stumbling over his words and internally cursing at his severe lack of smoothness. The man probably didn't even recognize him!

“Remus Lupin right? You were a few years below us at Hogwarts?” 

Remus gaped. Sirius remembered him? He quickly collected himself and tried to reply in the least embarrassing way, but failed as per usual.

“Yup that's me, and you're Sirius Black."

The man smiled almost fondly and murmured, “Yes, you would know that wouldn't you?" under his breath causing a bright blush to spread across Remus' face.

Cursing his tendency towards what the doctors described as 'asidopsthic craniofacian enthema' (and what he called a pain in the ass), Remus fought the blush staining his cheeks and made noncommittal humming noises. Which sounded more like something had died painfully in his throat.

Fortunately, he was then saved by the arrival of Lily Potter. In school, Lily had been a prefect since Remus’ second year and the head girl in her final year, so she knew Remus a little and was one of the few people he was willing to talk to. She also didn't make him blush like a tomato so was a lot safer than a certain handsome man.

“Hello Remus, haven't seen you in a long time! Have you met Harry?”

Remus smiled at Lily and offered a similar greeting before bending down to talk to the shy child clutching at his mother's skirts. Harry seemed to be a perfect mix of James and Lily. He had Lily's intelligent green eyes,  
button nose and pointed chin, as well as James’ unruly black hair and nearly round face shape. His skin was a rich russet brown, a mixture between both his parents, and his nose was brushed with a smattering of freckles. Remus thought he was probably one of the most adorable kids he’d ever seen.

“Hi there, I'm Remus,” he told the boy kindly.

“I know, Wemus Lupin!” Harry cried. “You went to school with my Mummy and Daddy and Padfoo!"

Remus smiled and nodded at the kid, who then yelled “Cake!” and ran off towards the buffet tables. At least Remus had made a good impression on someone.

Lily hurried after him with a reprimand of "Not too much cake!", leaving the two men in an awkward silence.

Sirius kept eyeing Remus strangely, but surprisingly he stayed where he was. Remus was hyper aware that Sirius was right in front of him, but he couldn’t meet the other man's eyes. Remus opened his mouth repeatedly to say something before thinking better of it. Finally, Sirius broke the silence.

“You're very good with Harry," he said, an odd shine in his eyes.

“Thanks," Remus replied, relieved to have something to talk about. "I’ve got quite a few nieces and nephews I used to look after when I was younger. Harry seems like a good kid. It must be cool to be his godfather. I-I bet you're brilliant!" Remus was slightly aware that he was gushing, but he couldn’t help it.

Sirius smiled sweetly up at him. Remus had found it was rare to ever meet someone taller than him. Sirius had always seemed short in Remus' memory, and even now he didn't look much taller than 5'8".

“He’s such a brilliant kid," Sirius said, a fond smile slipping onto his face as his gaze darted to where Harry was pouting for more cake across the room. "He's already great at Quidditch and he’s going to Muggle primary school next year. His parents wanted him to have diverse upbringing.” 

Even though Remus stumbled over his words at first, the conversation began to flow freely.

“Really, Quidditch? Well with you and James as role models I’m not surprised. What position does he play?”

“He’s mainly a seeker. I've never seen such good hand-eye coordination in a child! I guess he could play chaser too.”

For the next hour they continued to chat. Remus lost his stutter as soon as he realised Sirius wasn’t talking to him out of pity and that they actually had quite similar interests.  
Remus found that he could always speak much clearer about something he was passionate about. Of course, it was still Sirius. But now it was 'Sirius who actually knew he existed', not 'Sirius the older boy with pretty hair who hadn’t said two words to him'.

Remus felt like he was dreaming. He had of course had thoughts of meeting Sirius again and the man actually liking him, but this was too good to be true! The champagne was flowing and even Remus, who rarely drank for fear of losing control of the beast, was a little tipsy. Sirius had a higher tolerance, however, and was barely feeling the effects of the alcohol.

They conversed about all manners of things, from Harry’s Quidditch to Sirius’ work as an Auror to the muggle books Remus sold. Sirius seemed actually interested and it turned out he had an incredible collection of Oscar Wilde’s best works.

After a while, people began to move onto the dance floor and Remus was considering asking Sirius to dance - in a way that could be played off as platonic, of course. He kept seeing those slate grey eyes slide to his lips as he spoke. It could’ve been the alcohol, but he was feeling quite adventurous.

Just as he had found the courage to ask, his mother appeared. Hope Lupin normally a sweet, kind woman, but she could knock it back if the alcohol was free and was not the nicest drunk.

“Remus,” she began, her voice a demanding but slightly slurred Welsh lilt, “Who's this then?”

Remus sighed and gestured to Sirius. “Um, this is Sirius Black mum.”

Hope nodded and reached to shake hands with Sirius, but missed and ended up hitting his chest embarrassingly instead. She cackled and muttered "Whoops!" before finally shaking his hand. 

“Nice to meet you Mr Back.”

By that moment Remus had just about died of embarrassment. Why had his mum gotten so drunk? How had his mum gotten so drunk? It was only just 8!

He sent an apologetic look to Sirius who just waved his hand dismissively, as if to say ‘It’s fine’.

“Pleasure to meet you Mrs. Lupin! Why don’t I get you a glass of water?”

Hope giggled at that. Giggled. And Remus wished the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. He quickly moved his mother onto a stool and removed the empty wine glass from her hand. As soon as he had done this, Sirius returned with a glass of water and handed it to Mrs. Lupin, who gulped it down greedily. Remus then realised he’d have to take her back home and get to the bottom of her odd behaviour.

He was just picking up his mum's bag and making excuses to the host when Sirius reappeared. He seemed nervous for once and was clasping his hands awkwardly.

“I, uh, had a great time talking to you tonight. I'd like to keep in touch. You could owl me, if you like?” he said uncertainly.

Remus' eyebrows shot up in surprise. After all the embarrassment, Sirius still wanted to get to know him? 

Instead of stammering, Remus summoned his confidence and beamed at Sirius. “Yes, I’d like that.”

Sirius grinned back, his smile turning shy. "Cool! Uh, my address is 12 Restbrooke Road, London.”

Remus pulled a pen out of his mother’s bag and noted this on his hand. “Thanks, I-I’ll owl you soon?”

“Yeah that would be great! Good night Remus, stay safe getting home.”

“Night Sirius," Remus said softly, watching as Sirius strode back to James, who grinned at him and offered him a glass of wine.

His mother looked rather affronted at being left out of the conversation and turned to her son crossly. 

“I-I can walk home myself!" she grumbled, before promptly stumbling on the polished floor and somehow causing a balloon to pop rather loudly.

Remus sent one last apologetic look towards the party before his mother finally to let him help and leaned against his shoulder.

Remus wasn’t unfit, but he didn't exactly work out, so the weight made him wince a little. He hauled his inebriated mother out of the hall and into the street, smiling to himself. The night could have gone better, but he’d ended up having a normal conversation and gotten Sirius’ address. 

Some three streets later, when his mum continued to lean heavily on him and  
he realised neither of them had money for a taxi, his grin dropped a bit. The small flame in his heart was still there though, burning bright as he inwardly beamed. He realised that he’d finally broken his structure and for the first time in years, Remus wasn't bored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? 😁


	4. Letters, Mirrors and subtle bigotry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has a good day. He receives a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapters up! I’m may or may not post over the weekend it depends on whether I get a sudden urge to write at 11 pm. I hope you like the chapter!

For the first time in years, Sirius was in a damn good mood. He still had a little headache from yesterday, but around fifty cups of tea later it had gone from an elephant in his brain to a rather heavy footed mouse. He was on his way to work with a spring in his step for the first time since the war ended. It wasn't that he didn't like being an Auror, but it was very physically demanding and Moody was hardly the kindest of bosses. 

He’d apparated into the Main Hall and was strolling through the Ministry Halls towards the Auror division when he bumped into a bleary eyed James Potter walking alongside the Prewitt twins and Benjy Fenwick. All three looked incredulously at Sirius and his bright smile. 

“Morning!” he called towards the four. James face suddenly brightened with understanding and he snickered. 

“Jesus Black, it's eight in the morning and we’re on our way to training with Mad Eye. How are you so cheery?” groaned Benjy. He was wearing suspiciously dark glasses and cringing at loud noises, a clear sign that he was regretting a good night out 

“It's just a good day, isn't it? I can be happy, can't I?” Sirius sounded more than a tad defensive. He cursed his easy-to-annoy temperament when he received intrigued looks from his colleagues. 

“No, you can't mate. You've never been happy on a Monday morning in your life. You know what's up, Potts?” mumbled Gideon, wiping sleep from his eyes. 

James grinned wickedly, “I'll never tell. You nosy bastards will have to work it out yourself.” 

Sirius sent him a thankful look. It wasn't that Sirius was ashamed of his sexuality, buy he was very aware that he could get hurt for who he was. It wasn't illegal or anything. It was 1984 and it hadn't been illegal for around twenty years, but the world contained quite a few bigots and he didn't want his sexuality out there to all of them. Besides, getting beaten the shit out of and kicked out at sixteen didn't do wonders for internalised homophobia. 

“It's a girl, isn't it?” guessed Fabian as Gideon nodded rapidly behind him. 

Sirius blushed a little. Was it that obvious that he was absolutely star struck from meeting Remus the day before? It wasn't his fault the guy still blushed and stammered adorably, but was actually really interesting and damn he had grown up well. 

“Bloody hell, he's mooning over her already! it must be a girl,” chuckled Gideon.

“Just as well!. I was starting to think you were a shirt lifter.” Benjy's words made Sirius freeze before he forced a fake laugh. James had also visibly tensed next to him, always ready to defend his best mate even if it meant beating up a friend. 

“Yeah well, if I was you'd be alright mate with that scrawny ass. Anyway, I thought you didn't mind that Marlene and Dorcas are together.” He gave Benjy what he hoped was confused look and didn't scream ‘gay panic’. Dorcas worked for the Aurors too and sometimes Marlene dropped off her lunch or went to meet her for a bite to eat. They were an unashamed out couple and Sirius was honestly a little jealous of their love. 

“Yeah, but that's hot, isn't it?" leered Benjy. Sirius just gave him a look, attempting to hide his disgust, and turned to chat with James. 

“So about those job cuts…” 

The day was drearily long and Sirius’ mood slowly dissipated from happy to content to tired, but still positive. By the time he apparated home he was ready to collapse into bed. Moody had made them run drills all day and there still weren't any updates on the Malfoy case. 

Benjy’s words had settled over him like a dark cloud. He was so close with Lily and James and they were so accepting he forgot that people like Benjy existed. Subtly homophobic in the way that they didn't mind lesbians and loved the idea of two women together, but found gay men disgusting. A sort of ‘I know they exist by I’d rather not see them’ mentality. It made Sirius shudder. 

The horrible thoughts were overshadowed by memories of Remus, sweet, adorable Remus. Sirius decided he would try to get some sleep and not over think it too much. 

He was just drifting off to thoughts of amber eyes and tawny caramel curls when he was shocked awake by the distinct sound of an owl beak tapping on the glass of his window. At first he tried to ignore it, but eventually he had to get it or the poor owl's beak would probably snap. 

Grumbling about stupid Ministrys and sleep deprivation, he stumbled out of bed and flung the window open. The owl that flew it was definitely not from the Ministry. Ministry owls were all large barn owls with big beaks and grumpy temperaments. This one was small and had pretty tawny feathers and the largest eyes Sirius had ever seen. He reminded Sirius a little of Remus. The owl blinked at him and offered its stumpy leg with a letter carefully attached with string in a neat bow. 

Sirius looked at the owl quizzically before unrolling the parchment and reading the letter. 

Dear Sirius,

I hope this letter finds you well and that Athena (the owl) isn’t too demanding.

I’m very sorry about how my mother acted yesterday, and I'm actually quite surprised you gave me your address after all that. It was lovely talking to you and I’d like to get to know you and the Potters better. Would you like to meet up somewhere sometime this week?

I’m free after five Monday through Saturday and I have the day off on Sunday. Maybe we could chat more about the Bronte Sisters. You seemed to have a lot of opinions on their works. Of course we don't have to meet up if you don't want to, but I really enjoyed our conversation. 

Remus Lupin

Sirius had to stop himself from squealing in delight. He hadn't expected a letter from Remus untill at least Tuesday - not that he was complaining. The invitation was rather vague and Sirius couldn't help but wonder if there was some romantic inclination. Although Remus had shown all the signs of having a crush on Sirius as a teen, it could have been extreme admiration and he still didn't want to ask Remus just in case he had it all wrong. 

Sirius was a little deeper into this than he would like to admit, and if asking Remus out went badly he would get hurt. So for the first time in his life, Sirius decided to be cautious and take things slowly. He would flirt with Remus in a way that could be friendly and work out if the man was queer from there. 

For now he needed to answer Remus before it got too late. He glanced up at the clock to see it was only nine o clock, just within acceptable time to send an owl. Remus couldn't live that far away if he walked home from the party. 

He found his nicest parchment and picked up a quill, poised to write. He had so many things he wanted to say to Remus, but half of them were not appropriate yet and some were so deep down the gutter James would have to fish him out. Soon though, the words began to flow, as they always did with Remus. 

Dear Remus, 

I'm very well, thank you and hope you are too. Thank you for the letter! Your mother was quite charming and I didn't mind at all. 

Of course I enjoyed talking to you! Honestly Remus, if I hadn't I wouldn't have had such a long chat with you. I would love to tell you all about the Brontes, but honestly I'm finding myself quite interested in your thoughts on Keats. 

I think a second meeting is in order and James and Lily want to have proper chat with you as well. Why don’t we go to the new bar in Diagon Alley? I think it's called the Newt? I can pick you up if you like so you won't get lost trying to find it. What about tomorrow at 6? We can make a meal out of it!

Your owl was perfectly polite and I've given her a few treats. 

Yours,  
Sirius Black

Sirius read over the letter a few times and wondered if maybe he was coming on too strong, but dismissed the thoughts as paranoia. Besides, he was quite the socialite and coming on too strong was sort of his default setting. His personality was larger than life. Some thrived on it and others felt over shadowed. He lived life with no regrets or apologies. He did remove the ‘yours’ though, feeling that perhaps that was going too far.

He sent the letter at around 9:30, but realised he was still bouncing with adrenaline at the message from Remus and wouldn't be able to go to sleep. So instead he made himself a cup of tea and decided to call James through the mirrors they had bought in sixth year. 

Retrieving the mirror from his dresser he called ‘James’ into the glass and his best mate's sleepy face appeared on the screen alongside Lily's. Harry would no doubt be in bed by now. 

“Alright mate?” called James. He didn't seem annoyed at Sirus for calling so late. To be honest, James has realised Sirius was a bit of a high maintenance friend in first year, but decided to take him under his wing, like the mother hen he was, and soon brought the withdrawn heir out of his shell. 

“Yes, Remus sent a letter.” 

“Ooh! What did it say?” This was Lily. She had a bright grin on her face and her emerald eyes were sparkling with the promise of gossip. 

“He wants to meet up and talk about Bronte. He invited you guys as well and we have tomorrow afternoon off so I said we would meet him at the Newt for drinks. You up for it?" Sirius said this all very quickly, but his friends understood him perfectly. 

“That's great Pads! Course we can come, we could even drop the Prongslet off at Molly’s and make a night of it.” James was grinning like a mad man and Lily nodded beside him. 

“Brilliant! Is six ok with you?” Lily nodded fiercely and James grinned fondly at her. 

“Looks like we’re going mate,” James looked worriedly at Sirius through the mirror. “You should get some sleep, Pads. We’ll talk about it before work tomorrow.”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, we’ll meet at the normal place by the fountain. Night Prongs, night Lily.”

Lilly was almost asleep with her chin on James' shoulder. She must have had a long shift at St. Mungos. The hospital tended to work its employees harder than even the Auror division.

“Night mate.” James closed the connection and Sirius set the mirror back on his dresser. 

He crawled into bed and, finally exhausted, fell into a deep sleep, plagued with dreams of a certain blushing boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How you liked it! I would love to know peoples thoughts and constructive criticism is always welcome! 😀


	5. Books, phone calls and trying to forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Hope talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually going to write the pub chapter but I got started writing this and the conversation sort of flowed. I hope you guys like it!

Remus woke early the next day. In the few moments before he remembered he had lived before that moment he wondered why he was awake at five in the morning. Then he remembered. The most beautiful human on earth was going to the pub with him. It didn’t matter that his mates were coming too. They were going to dinner with another couple. He then groaned into the soft sweater he was wearing and collapsed into his bed. 

There was also the small matter of it being the first time he’d gone to Diagon Alley since he was eighteen. What if some of the old shop keepers recognised him? This was going to be an absolute disaster! 

Before he even registered it he was out of bed and hovering over a piece of parchment, quill in hand, ready to cancel. The only thing that stopped him was the creamy yellowing paper placed neatly on his desk. Sirius’ perfect, neat script, so innocent looking, sent a flurry of butterflies into his stomach and a small unconscious smile grew on his face. 

He decided that he was being stupidly paranoid and carefully put the quill down neatly, straightening its feathers, and went downstairs for breakfast. Yes, he could open the shop, get into a new novel and worry about this later when it was ten minutes to the time he had to be there and he simply couldn't cancel. 

Remus then realised that deflection and ignorance were definitely his coping mechanisms. With that worrying thought and the voice of his mother listing good psychiatrists ringing in his ears, Remus settled down with a cup of tea, a bowl of coco pops and a tatty copy of ‘The Picture of Dorian Grey’ and simply forgot. 

The shop was not particularly busy. Only three customers came in before lunch, and one bought nothing, the other two only spent £12 collectively. Remus sighed at the feeble amount of money in the cash desk and banished the thought of Sirius in suits that cost more than he earned in a year. He went upstairs and then remembered he had promised to call his mum at lunch. 

He put a can of soup into a pan and set a timer that he would hear in the next room for twelve minutes so he wouldn't burn it. Even though Remus was a half blood, he had spent most of his childhood in a boarding school and never had people to call anyway, so the telephone was a bit of a mystery to him. Still, he managed to enter the correct numbers and slide the disk so the phone rang and his mother's voice loudly blasted through the ear piece.

“Hello dear! So glad you called!”

Remus cringed at the noise, “How could I forget? How are you, mum?” He still hadn't asked about the debacle on Sunday. 

“You managed to forget yesterday! Yes dear, I'm fine. Now tell me, have you met any lovely ladies recently? Margot from next door has a granddaughter who’s single. I told her I could arrange something."

“Margot? Mum, her granddaughter is in her thirties and has a face like a horse!” The poor girl hadn't ever gone on a date with him, as his opinion of her had come solely from his memory of an awkward first meet at a flat warming party. 

His mum sniffed. “Yes, well beggars can’t be choosers! She’s a lovely girl.” 

“Mum! Stop trying to set me up! I'm not going on a date with her.”

“Why not? Don’t be so picky Remus,” 

“She’s just...not my type,” Remus hoped his mother didn't get the underlying meaning of ‘she's a bit too female for my taste’, but his mother had always been a bit oblivious. 

“No one is your type, love. What sort of girl do you like anyway?”

“Mum, I am not calling you to talk about girls.” Remus could almost see his mother rolling her eyes and glaring at him. 

“Fine then, did you make any friends at the party? You looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

“I'm surprised you remember.” Remus quipped sarcastically, “And yes, I have actually. I'm going to the pub with Sirius tonight.”

“Really? The boy in the make up? I didn't think he was your type of friend.” 

“I thought it rather suited him actually. Anyway, the Potters are coming too and we're going to have dinner.”

“Remus...” Hope had a speculative tone to her voice. 

“Anyway," Remus interrupted quickly. "Why were you acting so odd at the party last night? It's not like you to get pissed in public.” He hoped the major gay panic at what his mother might have figured out wasn't clear in his tone and quick subject change. 

“Don't be so vulgar dear! No, I just had a lot on my mind and wanted to have fun. Just because I'm old doesn't mean I can't get drunk every so often.” 

“Mum you could barely walk. what's wrong?”

“Fine. I went through the boxes of stuff in the lockup the other day, and I found some of your father's old poetry. Sometimes I think he wasn't a very happy person. I wonder if he was...if he was glad he died.”

Remus knew it must have been something like this, but it was shocking hearing it from his mother. “Mum, of course he didn't want to die! He loved you so much and he may have been sad sometimes, but he was happy on several occasions. Remember our last Christmas?”

It had been one of the best days of Remus’ life. They had all gotten tipsy on eggnog and his dad had sung ‘Eight Days A Week’ by the Beatles at the top of his voice, attempting to serenade Hope with his awful pitch. The family had giggled about it for days after and while he pretended to be offended, Remus knew Lyall was secretly pleased.

Remus heard a muffled sob through the phone. "You have no idea how much I needed someone to say that, love.” 

“No problem mum. I'm glad I know what's wrong. You should have just told me.”

“I know dear. I'm sorry I was embarrassing in front of your… friend.” Remus swallowed at the pause and almost felt like his heart was going to explode. His chest was heavy and his throat felt like it was tied in knots. 

“Remus,” his mother spoke tentatively and softly in the least threatening way possible, but Remus knew what would come next. The disgust, the fear and finally the abandonment. 

“Yes mum?" he asked weakly.

“You’re...you’re gay, aren't you?"

Remus let out a choked sob and covered his face in his hands. It was a moment before he mustered the courage to finally stutter out a quiet reply. "Ye-yes I am."

His mother was quiet before she finally spoke. “Bring home a nice boy then dear. I don't want you to be lonely. ” 

Remus almost sobbed right there as his chest filled with relief, feeling like an age old boulder had been finally lifted from his heart. 

“I’ll try my best mum. I-I love you.”

“I love you too dear, and I always will. Now, go eat your lunch. And tonight, enjoy your date.”

“Oh, it's not-”

“If it isn’t, I think you both want it to be! Bye love!”

With that she hung up, leaving Remus gaping at the phone and feeling slightly numb. 

The rest of the work day passed quickly. Remus spent most of it staring into space with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was so spaced out that one customer had to wave a hand in front of his face to get his attention. At five he closed the shop and headed upstairs, stressing over what to wear. He finally settled on a black polo neck, form fitting grey trousers and a bottle green jacket. Remus sat on his bed and waited patiently for the knock on his door to indicate Sirius coming to pick him up, trying to not overthink things. 

At 5:42 precisely he realized what the new feeling lifting his heart was. Hope.


	6. Pubs, queers and suspicious slurs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius go to the pub with the Potters but they’ve only got eyes for each other. If only they’d notice that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! Me and my beta had been quite busy recently. This is a long one though and has some Remus/Sirius interactions which I hope makes up for it a little!?

Sirius was Pacing in front of the door next to the bookshop that led directly to Remus’ flat. The little gold nib of the doorbell was flashing in the streetlight and Sirius glowered at it. 

He knew he had to be quick. The bike was on double yellows but he really wanted to prepare what he was going to say. His mind kept drawing blanks. 

He even started to bite his lip, an old habit from the war, but stopped himself to keep from ruining the maroon lipstick he had so carefully applied. 

Finally getting a hold of himself, Sirius reached for the doorbell and buzzed. The noise of the bell seemed both too loud and too quiet at the same time. It rang in his ears and he carefully stood up straight and clasped his hand behind his back. 

Remus opened the door quite quickly after Sirius had rung, his cheeks stained a faint pink when he saw Sirius. Sirius smiled at him and gestured to the bike. 

“I brought my bike, hope you don't mind?” Remus eyed the motorbike with apprehension before finally shaking his head and smiling.  
“No no, of course not. I’ve never ridden on one before.” 

“Oh, don’t worry, it's easy. I'll get on the front and you just have to hold on to my waist.” Remus blushed again at that. “You won't fall off. I've had it since I was sixteen. I know my way around.” 

“Umm, okay.” Sirius straddled the bike and gestured for Remus to follow. He soon felt the warmth of Remus behind him and his hands wrapped snugly around his waist.   
Sirius loved being on his motorbike, with the rush of freedom and the wind blowing through his hair. Now though, he could only focus on the feeling of Remus behind him. The journey passed in a blur of orange street lights and the faces of dozens of muggles, all walking towards some club or another. Sirius felt Remus’ breath hitch every time he turned a corner, and the hot air blew onto his neck a few moments later whenever Remus breathed out in relief. 

The motorbike had always been a catch with the ladies and gents, but this was different. It was... oddly sensual. 

The journey was over far too soon and Sirius parked just outside the Leaky Cauldron. He got off the bike reluctantly and Remus followed, wobbling slightly when he hit the ground. 

“Alright?” asked Sirius. Remus just smiled at him in reassurance and they stepped towards the pub. Once inside, Sirius realized just how cold it must have been out there. He greeted Tom and they quickly made their way to the brick wall where Sirius gently tapped his wand and waited for the bricks to open up and reveal the alley. 

Sirius watched in with growing fondness as Remus’ face lit up upon seeing the street. He looked like it was the first time he’d seen it, his amber eyes sparkling in the dim light and his slightly chapped lips contorting into a pretty smile. The light reflected off his olive skin and made him look like some kind of Greek myth, all floppy hair and wiry muscles. Sirius wanted nothing more than to be his Patroclus. 

“Hey, you okay?” 

Sirius realised Remus was looking at him with concern. He shot him his usual smug smirk just to watch the man's face flush.

“Yeah, yeah just admiring the view.” Remus’ head shot up, eyes wide, and Sirius felt uncharacteristically embarrassed.

“Wha-” 

“Alley looks beautiful in the autumn, speaking of let's get to the pub. It's bloody cold out here," Sirius said quickly, attempting to divert the attention away from his awkward flirtation. Remus looked confused but Sirius just grabbed his hand and led him down the street. 

He was aware that people were staring as they passed, and he glanced at Remus, expecting to see a pretty blush. Instead, the man was white with fear and he kept ducking his head or looking away to avoid the gaze of those staring. Sirius assumed Remus must have been chucked out of the Street for being gay, seeing as Sirius himself often got some odd looks and slurs for the same reason when he visited. No wonder they were staring. 

Sirius glared at the wizards and rose to his full height to stare each one down as he passed, keeping his hand firmly in Remus’. 

This seemed to deter most, but one man stepped in front of Remus and looked at him with absolute disgust.   
“Oh look, the monster's got a little boyfriend!” 

Sirius seethed, his hand tightening around Remus'. How dare he call someone a monster just because of their sexuality? Sirius stepped up and glared at the man, who seemed to waver a bit. Somewhere in his brain, he registered the boyfriend comment, which probably confirmed that Remus was gay, but he didnt have time to celebrate now. Not when 99% of him wanted to rip the bigot's head off. 

“You better get out the way, mate, or we're gonna have a little disagreement.” 

The man looked him up and down like a lion assessing its prey. “Black, I knew you were a filthy queer but this is low even for you.” 

Remus was frozen still behind him, looking at the man with absolute terror. 

“Get the fuck out of our way!” Sirius was so angry that spit landed on the man with every word. He wiped it off like it was particles of the plague and gave Sirius the most a cold glare. 

“Gladly," the man grunted, shoving Sirius quickly and wiping his spit-covered hand on Remus' arm. Sirius glared at his retreating form and dragged Remus away towards the pub. The shopkeepers and shoppers that had stepped out to watch the altercation slowly began to return to their places, but others watched Remus with something akin to fear. 

Sirius waved to the owners who were working at the bar as he entered, friends of the Prewetts, and quickly located James in the crowd. Lily was a few metres away, sitting at a four seater table, whilst James bought them two butter beers. 

Sirius quickly rushed forward, greeting James with a hug and kissing Lily on the cheek. Remus wavered a little behind, still looking a little shaken. 

“Guys, this is Remus! I'm sure you remember him.” Remus waved shyly as Sirius introduced him. 

“Of course we remember you, mate! Come on, take a seat. Sirius, why don't you get some butter beers?” James was grinning at Remus and   
Sirius left them to it in hopes that his mate wouldn't bring up anything embarrassing. 

The bar was quite full, but Caradoc greeted him quickly. The last time they'd spoken properly had been an order meeting back when they both had lines in their foreheads and permanent bags under their eyes. Still, Caradoc waved at him with a bright smile. He had always been a kind bloke.

“Hello Sirius, long time no see. So, hot date?” 

Sirius chuckled. "Not quite. Remus went to school with us. He's three years younger, and he's just getting himself back into society. You know, after the war.” 

“Jesus Christ your right, it’s Remus Lupin! He was just a firstie when I left. That bloke definitely wants it to be a date, mind you," he added smirking. 

“Really?” Sirius looked at Remus in thought. “Anyway, um, two butterbeer and we’ll be back for food later.” 

Caradoc nodded and got to work. Sirius watched with a grin as Remus burst into laughter back at their table, only slightly jealous that it wasn't him making Remus laugh. 

James was probably sharing some horrible gag from Hogwarts, and they were no doubt laughing at Sirius’ expense.

Caradoc handed him the beers and he walked back to the table. He took the time to appreciate the pub. It was small, but not suffocating, and surprisingly homely for a bar with it's popularity. The Gryffindor red decor reminded him of his old common room. The tables were all oak wood and looked slightly out of place in a pub atmosphere, but managed to give it a bit of a classy twist. 

“Did you really flood the Slytherin dorms with pumpkin juice?” Remus asked through tears of laughter as Sirius sat down. 

“Yup, one of the best pranks we’ve ever done!" Sirius confirmed, grinning widely. "And whatever else James has told you is probably all true too!” 

Remus smiled at him and Lily started to tell him about the time in First Year when James had turned all the cups in the great hall into lilies. He’d researched the spell so intently and the transfiguration was so good he hadn't even gotten detention. 

Remus chatted with Lily and James for a while, and Sirius commented every so often. He spent most of the time watching Remus. Sirius found that he couldn't look away, entranced by the way Remus' face lit up when he found something funny and the curve of his jaw as he tilted his head back to laugh. 

After a while they had all finished their drinks and decided they should order before it got too late. 

“So, what do you want Remus? I'll pay, my treat and all.” Sirius asked, ignoring James' raised eyebrows and Lilly's knowing look.

“Really? You don't have to…" Despite his protests, Remus looked pleased at the offer and Sirius shut him up by putting a finger on his lips. 

“Shhh, it's fine. Honestly, don't sweat it.” Sirius watched with delight as Remus stumbled over what he was going to say, continuing to ignore the Potters as they grinned at the scene. 

“Err...um...I'd just like the pie please and...chips? If that's ok?” Sirius smirked at him as he said it. 

“Sure thing, mate. I think I'll have the special...vegetable soup.” 

“Sirius, why don't you stay here? I'll order and we can split the bill between us at the end.” James was smirking as he said it. Sirius glared at him. It was never a good sign when James was smirking. 

Sirius turned to Remus with a small smile as Lily and James went off to order. “You alright? Those guys were horrible out there. Don't worry, I know what it's like to be the only queer on the street. I'm pretty sure they would have kicked me out if I wasn't a Black.” 

Sirius said this light heartedly, but it was true. His own mother had disinherited him when he was caught snogging Amos Diggory in 6th year, and most wizards had similar beliefs. Luckily he had had the Potters, without whom he probably wouldn't be here today. He had decided not to live in fear though, and to be proud and openly who he was, another little fuck you to his mother. 

Remus looked very relieved at what Sirius had said and slowly shook his head. “No, no, I'm fine. I'm, uh, used to it now. Anyway, Keats?” 

Sirius chuckled and they began to converse about their favourite poems and how absolutely not-straight Shakespeare was. Conversation with Remus was easy, as always. The words seemed to slip off his tongue easily and there was never an awkward moment. Even when James and Lily returned, the two of them continued to chat. 

“God, you two are complete bookworms. It's weird Sirius, I don't remember you reading much before now.” chuckled James. Sirius sent him a look. He may not read much, but he’d read some Muggle classics when he was younger and may have touched up on them after realising Remus liked them. 

“Yeah, well, I don't do it when you're around so I don't ruin my street cred." Remus snorted at that and then covered his face, glancing at Sirius warily. 

“What, do you not think I'm cool? Damn, I need to buy more band t-shirts or something.” Sirius said with an eye on Remus and a smirk. 

“I must admit, your bike is pretty cool.” Sirius smirked again at that and winked at Remus. 

“Yeah, they all say that.” Remus groaned and put his head in his hands. 

“You're the most big-headed person I've ever met," Remus retorted. James burst into laughter and Sirius simply smiled. 

“Aww, but you like me anyway?” Remus blushed at that and they fell into a comfortable silence. Sirius reached out to put a hand on Remus’ thigh but was interrupted when the barmaid came over with their meals. 

She reached down and ran her hand along Sirius’ arm as she put the food down and Sirius looked at her incredulously. He usually got a lot of attention from girls when he was out and about, but never when he was wearing a full face of makeup with a boy on his arm. Even if they weren't on a date, it certainly looked like one. 

She winked at Sirius who smiled awkwardly. “Thanks," he said, tight-lipped and tense. 

The barmaid simply giggled and waved at him as she walked away. Sirius noticed Remus was glaring at her, clearly ticked off. 

“Some girls really don't get the message, do they?" James wheezed through chuckles. Lily looked at him disapprovingly but was hiding a smirk herself. 

“Right. Boys, don't wolf this down. I want you to eat it slowly and decide if you like it or not.” Lily said, looking at them all sternly. “Mary wants me to tell her if the place is good or not, and she’ll only accept decent reviews."

“Sure love,” James agreed before shoving a fork full of his cod into his mouth.

Sirius started eating his own food. The soup was lovely, fresh and warm with a burst of flavour when he bit into a particularly well seasoned parsnip. He groaned and didn't miss the way Remus shuffled in his seat and side eyed him carefully. 

“This soup is absolutely delicious. How's the pie, Remus?” 

Remus fumbled a little with his words seemingly flustered. “Good...erm...very good! Thank you.” He smiled a little dopely at Sirius who smiled back, ignoring the flutter of butterflies in his stomach. 

They stared at each other for a little longer than necessary and Sirius felt like he could lose himself in those amber eyes. He realised with a jolt that he would give anything to lose himself. 

Lily very pointedly cleared her throat and both turned to her quickly, flushing a little. She smiled at them like she hadn't just weirdly interrupted a moment. 

“Yes, it's really good isn't it. Mary will be pleased.” James simply nodded his head, mouth full of fish. Sirius wrinkled his nose at this but went back to his own soup. 

The rest of the meal passed in relative silence. Not awkward or uncomfortable, but just right as the four ate.

Once they had all finished, Sirius felt like he might have to loosen the belt of his jeans. The food had been good but very filling. 

“You know guys, I was going to say we should get pudding, but I'm stuffed.” Sirius said. 

“Same mate, I feel like I've eaten an ox.” James commented.

“Bloody tasty ox, though,” Remus added, offering them a soft smile.   
“This has been wonderful. Thank you for inviting me.” 

James grinned at him. “Any time, mate! Honestly, I didn't realize you could be so funny!”

“Yeah, I really enjoyed you coming with us Remus. You should come out with us again.” Sirius said more softly, smiling at the man. 

“I'd love to,” blushed Remus. The maid came and gave them the bill, which James and Sirius split between them. Not only was the food good, but it was fairly cheap too. A real win-win situation. 

The group slowly began to put on their coats and scarves and ambled out the pub together. The wind hit Sirius like ice and he shivered in his leather jacket, regretting not bringing a coat. He glanced at Remus, who seemed fine in his woolen jumper and fluffy scarf.

Lily and James appararated back to Godric's Hollow just outside the pub, leaving Remus and Sirius to walk to the Leaky together. Thankfully, most of the shops were closed by now and they got to the pub without much staring or arguing. 

They both silently slipped out the door and Sirius stepped onto the bike, revving it up and grinning wickedly at Remus. The man smiled tiredly back and clambered on after Sirius. They rode in silence, Remus pushing up against Sirius with his head leaning on the smaller man's shoulder. 

Sirius enjoyed the feeling of the wind rushing through his hair and Remus pressed against his back. It felt free and somehow...right. 

The familiar smell of late autumn evenings was in the air and Sirius had the strange desire to kiss Remus right there, even though they’d probably crash. It was a hard desire to combat, and made the ride both too long and far too short. 

Remus was half asleep by the time they arrived at the shop. He must have had a long day. Sirius helped him climb off the bike and watched with fondness as he searched for his keys. 

Remus turned to him before he went in and smiled brightly. “I had a great time, Sirius. I’d love to do it again.” 

“Of course!” Sirius replied. “I'll owl you. Now, go to bed. You look exhausted.” 

Remus grinned at him sappily before stepping inside. “Good night, Sirius,” he whispered. The door frame was illuminated in the moonlight and Remus looked almost ethereal, his skin glowing and hair highlighted. 

“Night” he whispered back. 

With that, Remus closed the door and Sirius got onto his motorbike and rode home. He felt almost like he'd been hypnotised. His head was spinning and full of images of Remus illuminated in the moonlight. 

Mrs. Goldstein, his neighbour, gave him an odd look as he walked up the stairs to his house. He only realized once he was inside and glimpsed himself in the mirror that he was wearing a wide blissful grin almost like he was on something. Remus, he thought while studying his expression. It was like he was drunk on Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the chapter. I always like to know what people think of it?


	7. Hangovers, Wallets and silver blades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus had a run in in Diagon Alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a forewarning this is a lot more graphic in terms of violence than my previous chapters. A bit more angst than fluff but I promise it will be more positive soon! I hope you enjoy!

Remus woke on Wednesday with a grin on his face. It remained for all of thirty seconds before he felt the hangover giving him a thumping headache and heavy limbs. He then looked to his left and realized he couldn’t find his wallet. He had brought it yesterday to pay for the meal, but when Sirius payed instead he just left it on the table. 

“Bugger,” he mumbled under his breath. He must have left it there in his giddy haze at seeing Sirius. 

Remus was sure that the man had been flirting with him ever since he was cornered in the street by that man and loudly outed. He allowed himself a little giggle at the memory before trying to regain his manly composure 

But the night had been lovely and he still felt slightly euphoric. He sifted through his minimal potions stash before finally finding his hangover potion. It wasn’t top brand, but did the job, and it was hardly as though he needed it often anyway. 

He downed the potion quickly and heaved a little at the taste, but eventually sighed in relief when his head ache lessened. Remus stumbled down the stairs and quickly put the kettle on boil with a wave of his hand. He gulped down his first cup of tea, and when he felt better, poured another. The kitchen was slightly messy from the day before, so it took him a while to find a clean bowl and then wolf down his cereal. 

It was a Wednesday, so he had Mrs. Fern coming in at four to get a new book for the week, but before that he was doomed to sit in the shop alone all morning. 

This particular Wednesday, it was raining. No one went to a book shop when it was raining, definitely not on a work day, unless they were a regular. Remus knew the drill by now. 

He decided to just go to Diagon to try and find his wallet, and then open the shop at noon. He knew the pub opened at nine to serve breakfasts and brunches to harried house wives and unemployed yobs. If he left now, he’d get there before the lunch rush and hopefully avoid the shopkeepers. He didn’t want another run-in like yesterday 

Remus yawned wide and fished his wand from the sofa where he’d left it. The thing might come in handy, especially if he was going alone. Remus rarely had his wand on him. He had made carrying it around a habit for a year after the war, but attacks were rare now and he liked to not have the responsibility of his wizarding identity weighing down his pocket. Just another secret. 

After one last quick cup of tea he walked out of the door to the left of the book shop window and locked it with a flick of his wrist, unwilling to find his keys. Remus had taught himself some simple wandless magic during the war, where it certainly it came in handy. 

The walk wasn’t that far, only around half an hour, but of course, it was quicker by motorbike. Remus found himself lightly tracing the palm that had so tightly clutched Sirius yesterday. 

Pretty, funny, kind, gay Sirius. Remus groaned. He was so fucked. 

Remus had always liked Sirius, but to some degree hated him too. He made him lose his composure. Remus had always prided himself on being calm and unobvious, but Sirius made him stick out when he blushed like a tomato or stammered.

Remus arrived at the alley after some 30 minutes of internal bickering and soft forlorn sighs. He waves to Tom as he walked, in who gave him a pursed lipped slight nod back. He went straight to the walk, not giving himself time to appreciate the view. 

The Alley was fairly quiet, with only a few people about, all looking quite tired and like they’d rather be somewhere else. It was so quiet, in fact, that Remus jumped when an owl hooted directly beside him, but it was just one of Eyelopes newest owls. Remus scolded himself for being so jumpy, which he knew made him look suspicious. 

But he was happy, deliriously happy, and he was sure he had the brightest smile in the street. Everywhere he looked he remembered something about last night. That lamppost was where Sirius whispered in his ear, over there he had walked next to Remus and their hands brushed. Just down that lane Sirius had defended him. 

Still, Remus was cautious. He had his hand gripped tightly around the wand in his sleeve and kept his eyes aware. He had just stopped and was looking at the new display in Zonkos when he heard breathing behind him. But he ignored it, trying to keep from being paranoid. It was probably just a customer, he convinced himself as he continued walking. 

Suddenly, Remus was pulled into a small alley. He tried to scream, but there was a hand over his mouth. He thrashed his body, hoping to free himself, but his attacker just tightened his grip. Remus' heart was racing in panic and he felt like it might jump out of his chest. 

He felt breath on his neck as the man leabed down and whispered against it. He shuddered, feeling a stray tear leak from his eyes. No, no no, not here! Not after such a lovely week. 

“If you want to leave here alive, I suggest you shut the fuck up.” 

Remus felt spit spew onto his neck and he complied, shutting his mouth fast and not moving. The man removed the hand from his mouth and reached for what Remus presumed was his wand. 

He muttered a few choice words and within seconds Remus saw the world fade away but he had just enough time to think, ‘shit I’ve been stunned’.

When Remus regained consciousness he was in a dark room, either that or he couldn’t see. There were ropes around his wrists and ankles and the floor he was lying on was cold and hard. He felt vomit rise in his throat and fought to keep it down. He wouldn't ’t show weakness. 

Remus shivered, this really wasn’t how he planned to die. 

Suddenly he was yanked to his feet and a harsh wand light is shined in his eyes. Remus recognized the man holding it. He feels himself go cold. The sweat dripping down his back felt like ice. 

“Lupin,” his voice was harsh and grated like a knife. His features were twisted into a look of pure hatred. “Now that your dirty paws are tied up, I'm going to ask you some questions. But first, drink this mongrel.” 

Before Remus could protest, a large vile was shoved into his mouth. He choked as the warm liquid slid down his throat. It was sweet, too sweet, like pure melted sugar. He could barely hold back his gag. 

But as soon as it was done, a gentle calm washed over him. His bones felt light and he smiled up at the attacker. Except now he was not an attacker, he was a man who Remus has to tell the absolute truth too, who didn’t want to harm him at all. 

“What’s your name?” the man asked bluntly. 

“Remus John Lupin.” Remus recited before he could even think about it. 

“Right, so it works then. Why were you with Black and his friends yesterday?” 

Remus feels something in his brain telling him not to answer, but an unknown force silences it. 

“He invited me to the pub.” 

“How do you know Black?” 

“He was three years older than me at Hogwarts.” He wanted to say that he’d had the world's biggest crush on him, but the inner voice silenced him. 

“And what was your relationship with the queer?" This was said with a sneer so harsh that even in his drunken state, Remus could pick up on its hatefulness. 

“He never noticed me.” 

The man smiled wolfishly at Remus. “Ah, but you wanted him to, didn’t you?” He punctuated every word with a pull on Remus’ hair. He whimpered in pain, but the voice was there. 

‘You mustn’t lie Remus, go on tell him!’ It sounds ridiculously like his mother, and he swallows. 

“Yes.” 

“Ah, so poor little wolfy had a crush in school? How come he’s asking you round now?” 

“We met at a party.” 

“Gay bar, was it? All you filthy shirt lifters have to congregate somewhere.” The man's lip curled. 

“No, it was my mother’s friend's birthday.” 

“I don’t care!” The man said through his teeth, “Do you fancy him or not? Are you his boyfriend?” 

Remus fought in his head to keep his voice from blurting, but the drug quickly overtook him. 

“Yes, I fancy him.” 

“You do know that a dirty werewolf has no place with a Black, even a queer one, don't you?" He snarled, “he’ll never like you back.” 

Remus stayed silent. He hasn’t been asked anything he has to answer. 

The man walked in front of him and Remus vaguely thought that it was the man from yesterday. Amadeus Nott has not taken kindly to realising his employee was a werewolf. He was the reason Remus has finally left. 

The man pulled a dagger from his fine green robe pocket. It glittered in the faint light in a way only true silver could do. 

Nott pulled out a satin cornflower coloured Handkerchief and began to slowly run it up and down the blade, polishing it. He brought a hand to Remus’ chin and tinted it up towards him. 

Now I’m going to show you why werewolf scum, pathetic halfbreeds, should stay away from decent people and Diagon Alley. I’ll stop when I see you’ve learnt your lesson. I better not see your filthy face in Diagon Alley again.” 

Remus felt rather than noticed that the potion had worn off. Just as Armadeus had finished his monologue he began to panic. The blade was silver and he knew he was in for a world of pain. 

Werewolves were allergic to silver. Something about the metal just didn’t agree with his DNA. It was known to burn at the touch and was said to be the best way to identify and execute werewolfs. Remus reeled these facts of in his head, his inner voice like a textbook, trying for all his might not to look scared 

Nott must have seen it in his eyes though, because he smirked evilly and raised the blade to Remus’ check. Remus could feel the heat radiate of the knife even before it touched his skin. 

“Ah so you're finally back are you” the knife was pushed into his cheek and Remus screamed. A pain red and hot burst from his face and ricocheted down his spine. It was like his nerves were being set on fire, he could smell the burnt flesh. 

When Nott lifted the knife it only slightly lessened the pain, the spot still throbbing. Remus realised he was shaking all over. 

The next slice was at the juncture between his neck and shoulders. He could feel his heart beat in the wound and saw the fresh crimson blood spill from his shoulder. Tears streamed down his eyes. 

The final cut was on his thigh. On the inside through his jeans. The material stained with the blood flow and Remus saw the edges of the wound curl into black charred skin. 

A hand gripped the hair at the base of his neck and a wand was shoved into his neck. The last thing Remus felt was the burning in his leg neck and cheek and the tears streaming down his face. 

He felt the familiar twist of apperation and then they landed on Concrete, the harsh sunlight burning his eyes. He felt rather than saw Nott apparate away next to him and then vomited all over the gravely floor. 

When he could finally bring himself to look up he realised he was in a small street just down an alley from his flat. 

He hauled himself up, wincing as the wounds stretched and hobbled the route back home. Relying mainly on muscle memory. He staggered a few times and needed to stop to lean on a lamppost. 

He tried in vain to stem the blood flow from his neck, reciting this can’t really be happening again and again in his head. His anxious internal babbling far from reassuring. 

He stumbled into the flat and up the stairs as quickly as possible. He reached for the medical box hidden under the sink and pulled out some dittany. 

He choked a sob when he realised the bottle was half empty but quickly poured what was left on his wound anyway. The skin knitted together slightly but the Charing stayed along with the searing pain. 

He knew not much could be done for silver wounds. He’d read a book about how to kill a werewolf with graphic photographs and as a child. The images had made him feel sick, he felt a familiar acidy tang in his mouth now. When he was younger he had never thought it would happen to him. How he sometimes wished he was still so naive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of the chapter?


	8. Arguments, realisations and overheard swearing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is stressed, he goes to the Potters. No one ends up happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! I’m sorry... it’s very angsty.

Sirius was worried. He had owled Remus seven times in the last five days, and each owl returned with the letter clasped between its claws and ruffled feathers. He really didn't want to believe that Remus was ignoring him, but the alternative was terrifying. 

He couldn't concentrate at work. He was restless at night and came in with bags under his eyes. He looked so damn awful that even Moody had asked him what was wrong. And what's worse, no one was concerned about it at all. At the moment, he was sitting in the Potter’s living room at nine in evening, frowning into his beer and ignoring two glares. The plush sofa felt too soft and more capturing than embracing when he sat down and sunk into the pillows. 

James broke the silence, his angry look morphing into one of concern.. “Would you like something to eat?” His voice was kind and soothing, but didn’t calm Sirius down. He was far too wound up for even James to help. 

“No.” replied Sirius, avoiding eye contact. 

James frowned at him. “Have you eaten?” 

“No!” Sirius snapped. 

“Look Pads, you need to eat, no matter how worried you are.” James looked so bloody concerned. Sirius felt bad that his friends were so worried. But they wouldn’t listen! They just didn’t understand. 

“James, I’m not hungry.” 

Lily spoke up, unwinding her arm from James' shoulders and sitting up. “A cup of tea then? Come on Sirius.” 

Sirius almost growled. “Everything isn’t solved by a cup of tea, Lily.” 

Lily scowled, looking dangerously close to snapping, and James chuckled nervously. “And you call yourself British!”

The joke wasn’t that funny, but Lily let out a high pitched laugh anyway. Despite the couple’s attempts to diffuse the tension, the air seemed to just grow thicker with it. 

A minute passed.

Two.

Then three. 

By now the silence was stifling. Lily studied the embroidery on the pillows, James looked awkwardly at an empty mug on the table and Sirius stared resolutely at the wall space between the couple. 

Suddenly, James blocked his view. “Sirius-” 

Sirius stood up abruptly and began to pace the floor, the floorboards creaking whenever he pivoted to repeat his strides. 

He heard James’ jaw snap closed, the two sitting watched him as he paced. Lily seemed to slowly get more irritated as he walked. By the third turn she was twisting her hair with an unnecessary intensity. 

Four turns. 

Five turns.

“Sirius, sit down!” Sirius jumped before turning to Lily and huffily sitting down. Lily was red faced where she sat on the sofa with James. 

“Why don’t you get it?! He hasnt replied to seven owls, _ seven _ ! What if he’s been attacked or he’s injured? It could have been that Diagon Alley bastard!” 

Lily’s eyes narrowed at him and she turned to James, who just shuffled awkwardly and gave her an ‘I don’t know’ look. Lily twisted her hair more aggressively. 

“Don’t you think you're overreacting, mate?” James asked carefully.

“No, I don’t!” Sirius huffed angrily. James seemed to sink further into the cushions at his tone. “He could be in real trouble, but no one seems to care! Why else would he not answer my letters?” Sirius knew why else, but he really really didn't want to think about it. He gave them a challenging look. 

“Look, have you considered that maybe he just didn't want to?” James asked, trying to look apologetic but still bracing for a negative response.

“And why wouldn’t?” Sirius questioned icily as he raised his eyebrows. “He seemed like he was enjoying himself when we went to dinner. He even said he would like to go again.”

“Maybe you came on too strong?” Lily’s face remained impassive as she gave the suggestion, but that didn’t keep the hurt from slicing through him. 

“What do you mean by that?” Sirius’ tone could have sliced through steel. His face was murderous. 

“Sirius, you were all over him! Maybe he was blushing because he was uncomfortable?” Lily snapped. She ran a hand through her fiery hair and sighed. James was looking from his wife to Sirius like he was at a tennis match, his face was full of apprehension. 

Although they got on most of the time, Lily and Sirius were known to come to blows over things, and when they did, it was explosive. Lily was fiercely passionate and sometimes just couldn't take being wrong, and Sirius was a firecracker of emotion. The most enthusiastic highs and the most unpredictable lows. There was never a dull moment with them. 

“Oh, come off it Evans, he liked it and you know it. It’s obvious.” Sirius knew this would push Lily’s buttons as well as being true. He recalled the light blush and head on his shoulder on the bike. There was no way Remus didn’t fancy him. Sirius ignored the part of his brain that pondered just how much he fancied Remus, and whether that was affecting his interpretation. It was best to just think Remus liked him. All the signs were there. 

Lily looked murderous. Her hand clutching the sofa was white and she spoke through gritted teeth. “Why can’t you just accept that not every one wants to fuck you?!”

Sirius saw red. He restrained himself from slapping the sharp tongued witch, his brain flashing with images of his mother. 

“Oh, FUCK YOU!” he roared before making an effort to calm down. Arguments with Lily always spiralled and he was stressed enough. “Look I don’t just want to fu- sleep with him. I actually care about him. Do you really think I'm that superficial?” His hands were shaking, but he tried to ignore them. 

James looked between his wife and brother pleadingly. “Sirius, please-”

Lily interrupted, screaming at Sirius and clutching her fists so tightly it made grooves in her palm. “Actually, YES, sometimes I do! Do you REALLY like Remus, or do you just want a quick shag from someone who won’t say no?! SOMETIMES YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!”

Sirius stood up, hackles raised. “How  _ dare you! _ Of course I don’t want to use him!. I’M NOT THAT CRUEL!” Sirius was breathing fast, his whole body trembling with adrenaline. Arguments always did this to him. The shouting. The screaming. An urge to  _ run run run _ . 

Lily looked like she was about to shoot something back, but James stepped between the two. “Okay, this is all going to end in tears. You’re winding each other up. Sirius, go home and we’ll talk about it in the office.” Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but James cut him off. “We’ll even investigate if you want. But please, stop screaming at each other, you’ve woken Harry.”

This stopped both the adults as they turned their heads to the door. Harry was cowering there, clutching a Hippogriff stuffed animal and staring wide eyed at Sirius and Lily. His bottom lip was quivering and Lily rushed forward to pick him up in her arms. Muttering reassurances whist glaring at Sirius, who looked decently ashamed at scaring the young child. He couldn’t help but internally feel a flare of anger, however. He wasn’t the only one screaming. 

The adults stood awkwardly in the room as Harry was calmed down. One guilty, another angry, and the third extremely awkward and concerned. Finally, Harry stopped shaking and turned to Sirius. Sirius himself had only just breathed deeply enough that his breath was normal and his heart rate stable. The tremors were gone, by the time he faced Harry with a dazzling smile. 

“Padfoo’, what do fuck mean?” Lily and James looked on in disbelief as Sirius groaned into his hands. Of all the questions he could have asked. 

“Um, nothing sprog, it's just a very bad word only adults use. You definitely shouldn’t repeat it.” 

Harry, seeming satisfied with the response, turned to his dad. “What were mummy and Padfoo shouting about’?” 

James took Harry into his arms and patted his head reassuringly. “Oh, just a silly argument about stupid adult things. They were being very immature.” 

Sirius felt a rush of shame. They were being immature, weren’t they? Even Harry could see that. 

Harry nodded solemnly before yawning and dropping his head onto James’ chest. 

“Looks like he’s tired!” James’ voice was unnaturally cheery as he stood up and walked out of the lounge, dragging Sirius along by his arm. The cloak room felt stuffy and awkward, and James kept giving Sirius assessing looks. He chucked his coat at him and gave him a wry grin. 

“Look mate, go home and calm down, and then we’ll discuss it. But please try not to argue with Lils, she's a bloody nightmare when she's mad at you.” Sirius nodded and wrapped James in an awkward one arm hug to not disturb Harry.

“Thanks, you know I do actually care about Remus. I don't just want him for a quick-,” he glanced at his godson worriedly, “For that reason.” 

James nodded. “I know mate. Lily’s just wound up at the moment. You know how she gets. Tends to see the bad side of people who are good, and the good side of the bad.” 

Wasn't that true, Lily the defender of Snape and truster of Pettigrew. Lily was many things, but she was not always a good judge of character. Sirius gave James a small smile and nod before pulling on his shoes and tussling with his coat as he went to the door. 

James crept upstairs behind him. Just as he was leaving, Sirius heard a loud crash from upstairs and a distinctly child-like ‘Oh fuck’. Wincing, he quickly scampered out the door. He did not want to face Lily’s wrath twice in one night. Even if he thought her anger was irrational, he should not have been the one to teach Harry that word. 

Sirius sighed, far too deeply for a man his age, and clambered onto his polished black motorbike. The road was clear on his way home, but Sirius felt a little empty without Remus behind him. He kept wishing for some kind of distraction but his brain kept going back to Remus and what Lily had said. 

Yes, Remus had seemed like he liked him, but was Lily right? Was he just being a dickhead with a big ego? Surely he couldn’t have kid himself that badly, right? Sirius suddenly felt a rush of shame. Yes, Remus was gay but that didn’t mean he fancied SIrius. He could just as well be embarrassed by the attention. Maybe Lily was right. 

It was with a heavy heart that Sirius climbed the front steps to his house. The door creaked as he opened it and Sirius winced. The sound was too loud in the quiet street. 

The hall looked too big and dark. He walked into the kitchen and glared at the table. Four chairs. The house seemed too large, all consuming. There was an empty space in every room he walked into. The lounge had three sofas even though it was just Sirius, the bathroom a massive double mirror and his bed was king sized. 

For the first time, the house felt empty. Sirius noticed with horror that a few tears were welling up in his eyes as he brushed his teeth, glancing in the mirror. He told himself that he wouldn’t cry, he was being pathetic. 

He settled into bed and reached for his book on the nightstand. Jane Eyre was printed so innocently in the title, but it screamed at Sirius. His mind echoed with Remus’ chuckles as he explained his thoughts on the classic. He let the tears fall and stain the cover. It was with a desperate resolve his brain chanted back and forth,  _ this can’t be happening _ . 

He was in love. He was in love with Remus Lupin. 

The pile of answered owls on his desk stated clearly what Remus thought of him. Sirius buried his head in his pillow and sobbed. Jesus, what that man could do to him. 

He woke to an empty bed and a soggy pillow. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?


	9. Letters, Stress and decision making

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus makes his mind up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late, I’ve been a little busy. Hope you enjoy!

Remus reread the letter again. It was written in Sirius’ perfect curly script on his signature posh cream paper. Remus ran his fingers along the signature at the bottom. So perfectly scripted. He must have read those letters at least fifty times by now. He mentally ignored a familiar tug at his heart he didn’t want to analyze. Remus realised he was crying only when a tear dropped onto the paper. 

It read: 

_ Dear Remus,  _

_ As I receive more and more of my letters back to me I have realised that you probably don’t want to talk to me. I do really like you, you're funny and smart and I find your company lovely.  _

_ I have found myself very worried these past few days. Your lack of response had sparked my imagination into creating hundreds of horrible ways in which harm could have come to you.  _

_ I propose that we meet somewhere in Muggle London. I will come as your friend if that is what you want me to be. I only wish to make sure you're okay.  _

_ Please meet me at Molly's coffee house in London at 7:30 the day after tomorrow if you want to chat.  _

_ Best wishes,  _

_ Sirius Black _

This letter was slightly different from the others. It was more formal and a lot less flirty than the first few, and more calm and collected than the previous. Remus suspected Sirius had been told to chill by someone. 

He felt slightly guilty that he had driven to Sirius to worry. Logically he knew that not replying to letters would raise alarm bells, but his self doubt convinced him Sirius may not care. 

Yes, Remus hadn’t been replying to Siriius’ letters. His wounds were still fragile and healing, and the slash on his face was so bad that he had to cast a strong glamour when he visited his mother. 

And yes, Remus had been avoiding Sirius. Not because he wanted to. God no! Remus’ heart ached every time he sent back a letter. Sirius was the only thing he thought of, and when he slept, sharp jaw lines and silky hair haunted his dreams. Every man he saw with black hair made him think of Sirius. He was reminded of him at every turn. It was torture. 

But the threat that Nott proposed was too serious. If he was seen out with Sirius again, Nott would take action. The burns on his body served to remind him of just how serious the damage could be. Remus could face being hurt himself, the full moon had built up his pain tolerance and he had come to expect the worst in people. But the image of Sirius with gashes across his perfect skin or burns on his face made Remus feel sick. 

Remus had seen Nott’s men patrolling around the shops near his, causing him to jump in the middle of the supermarket and scurry away into alleys. He knew he was being watched. 

But the way he was ignoring Sirius wasn’t fair on either of them. Remus supposed he could glamour his features to look different and then change them back before meeting Sirius. He would have to hide the silver wounds anyway. Remus had grown used to hiding away and keeping secrets over time. It didn’t make them easier to bear though, each one an extra weight on his shoulders. 

Remus wanted to protect Sirius, but he was selfish. He knew that Sirius probably wouldn’t like the fact that he was a werewolf. He knew it would only take time for him to figure it out. But most of all, he knew that the feeling in his heart was something he couldn’t bear to name, nor something he could lose. 

Remus slumped onto his desk. It was all so complicated. 

He sent the letter back not noticing the ink smudge where his tear had fallen. He fell heavily into bed. He felt his eyelids droop and his head hang heavily and he fell asleep almost instantly. 

_ He was sitting at a kitchen table in a cosy looking cottage. There was a newspaper and a pot of tea in front of him. _

_ Suddenly the door opened and someone stepped into the room. Remus glanced up and smiled as Sirius walked through the doors in his Auror robes and bent down to kiss his forehead.  _

_ “Welcome home,” he murmured. Sirius smiled at him and sat at the chair opposite. He caught his lip between his teeth as he glanced at Remus.  _

_ Remus felt his cheeks flush bright red.  _

_ Sirius grinned at him and brushed his hand across Remus’ cheek to cup his jaw.  _

_ “You know, I really love you,” murmured Sirius. His breath was hot on Remus’ face.  _

_ Remus smiled at him sweetly and leaned forward so their lips were only centimetres apart.  _

_ “I know,” he whispered. Sirius leaned forward to close the gap. His hair fell in his eyes and his hand tightened around Remus’ jaw.  _

_ “Remus,” he muttered  _

_ “Remus.” _

_ “Re _ mus.” 

“Remus!” 

Remus sat up in bed with a start. His ears were ringing and he took a while for his vision to adjust to the sudden harsh light. 

Then he heard it again, his mother’s voice, loud and clear, calling his name. Remus scrambled for his wand and quickly cast a glamor charm on his face. 

He stood up and stumbled out of his room into the hall. His mother was sitting at the kitchen table glaring at him. 

Remus gulped and stumbled over to the kitchen. 

“Tea?” he asked. His voice was higher than normal and reflected his nervous lack of composure. 

“Yes, please,” replied Hope. Her tone was clipped and she glared lasers into Remus’ back as he quickly prepared the kettle and turned it on. 

“I received a letter recently,” she ground out. Remus froze slightly when she said it, a movement not unnoticed by his mother. 

“It was from that friend of yours, the Black boy.” 

“Oh?” Remus hummed, feigning indifference. 

“He said you haven't replied to his letters, and that he was worried about you.” 

Remus set the tea down next to his mother and sipped his own. He tried to relax as the scolding liquid dropped down his throat. 

“Why haven't you been answering him.” 

Remus sighed. He hated how he had to hide this from his mother, but if he told her, she’d probably wrap him up in bubble wrap and never let him leave. 

“Something...happened,” He murmured, as ambiguous as possible. 

“And what was that?” Hope questioned. “He sounded really worried. The boy didn’t hurt you, did he?” 

Her voice was raised in panic, but there was a grim resolve in her eyes. Remus hastened to reply. It wouldn’t do for his mother to track down and personally kill Sirius. 

“No, no, nothing like that. Something just happened.” 

Hope sighed into her cup. The breath caused her glasses to fog as the steam bounced onto them. “I wish you wouldn’t keep so much from me Remus. I’m not naive.” 

“I know mum, but he’s not hurt me at all, it's something else entirely. Nothing for you to worry about.” replied Remus. 

Hope glared at him for a few tense seconds before her shoulders slumped in defeat. “Okay, fine. I trust you to not make stupid decisions. This boy's letter does seem genuinely worried and sincere. I suggest you talk, or at least owl back.” 

Remus smiled at his mum. ”I was thinking of doing that anyway, you know. But thank you for the advice. I’m glad you think he’s okay.”

Hope looked at him softly. “You know that you can tell me anything and I’ll help and protect you, right? Don’t go and kill the prime minister or anything! But you do know I’ll always stand by you.” 

Remus reached forward and put his hand over his mum's clasped hands on the table. “I know mum.” 

Hope looked a little teary eyes but soon blinked them away. She adopted a bright smile and sat up. “Right I’ve got to go home and pick up my clothes from the shared tumble dryers before Janice from 22 steals my undies again. You need to open your shop young man. I'll see you Saturday.” 

Remus waved his mother out of the door calling his goodbyes. He knew that he was an independent adult and all that, but his mother approving of his decisions convinced him he should see Sirius.

For the first time in weeks, he smiled as he opened the shop. The customers seemed pleased to see their usual happy bookseller back. 

A new customer came in, a small waddling old lady with an audacious taste in clothes that caused her to clash horribly with the beige setting of the shop. She was looking for a kid’s book for her grandson. The woman even fixed his reading glasses when they shifted off his face as he read. 

Remus had a pleasant evening. He thought about Sirius as always, but this time in anticipation. Remus worried his happiness was too dependent on the Auror, but he found that as long as he was happy, he didn’t really care. 

He went to sleep with a smile on his face and dreamt about selling books to an old man in mysterious half moon glasses. The man had offered him far to many sweets and traded a tattered Bronte for hand knitted socks. 

Then he woke the next day smiling. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, what do you think?


	10. Cafe’s, Pubs and Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius meets Remus at the cafe. Things are sort of explained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been ages! Here’s chapter 10 (:
> 
> Update: I’ve updated the text for this chapter to an edited version by my beta not_today (708234). Enjoy!

The cafe was greasy, the counters thick with dirt and the floors permanently sticky. The man at the counter had yellow stains on his shirt and a mouth upturned in a constant grimace. The walls were decorated with images of old celebrities, the edges of the photos curled under the frames. 

Sirius has to fight to keep the snobbish look off of his face. He didn’t know why he had chosen this cafe in particular, it was filthy and rundown. Situated in between an abandoned warehouse and an off license. It was secluded and anonymous. The seedy kind of place that attracted the worst of people. Of which no one will remember individually. 

He pulled out the letter from his pocket and read over it just to check. He was fifteen minutes early. The single dried spot of water seemed to glare at him from the page. He knew that it could have been rain, but his owl never got his letters wet, ever. This was a sign that Remus had read it.

Sirius felt unnatural in the blue jeans and plain red t-shirt he was wearing. It was unusually not-flamboyant. He heard the sharp ding of the bell on the door and looked up eagerly. But it was only some middle aged, nondescript man.

Sirius sighed and went back to his musings. He re-read the letter. Five minutes later he had redone his laces twice and buttoned his coat. Even the man at the counter was giving him an odd look.

The ticking of the clock seemed far too loud, the noise reverberating in his brain. Sirius stared at the wall, his eyes glazed over in boredom. His fingers were manically tapping onto the table.

“Hey.”

Sirius looked up in shock. Remus was standing awkwardly opposite him. He was pale and had deep bags under his eyes, but he was alive.

“Hi,” Sirius replied, staring up at him. He had been waiting forever, but now he felt overwhelmed and unsure.

“Should I-”

“Take a seat.”

Remus sat down stiffly, regarding Sirius with a look that bordered on fearful. Sirius felt a twinge in his abdomen, which he quickly ignored.

Remus set a coffee down on the table. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Where had that come from? In fact, when had Remus walked in?

“So...my letters?” Sirius asked cautiously.

“I’m so sorry.” Remus began. “I’ve had some...family issues, and l haven’t been in the right mindset to talk. I’m so sorry.”

Remus’ face was blank as he spoke, the emotion in his words not reflected at all. Sirius could tell he was lying, but a part of him knew Remus didn’t want to.

“Right” he said, watching Remus with a look of clear disbelief. Remus blushed. The red of his cheeks was the only emotion he’d shown so far.

“I’d like to see you again,” Remus said simply.

“Family issues resolved?” Sirius asked, smirking.

“Y-yes, yes, everything is fine now.” Even Remus’ voice was unconvincing.

“Are you going to tell me what the issues were?” asked Sirius, wondering how much though Remus had put into his poor excuse.

“N-no.” Remus winced at Sirius' look. “It’s personal.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at him. “Fine.”

Sirius was slightly annoyed. It was obvious that Remus was lying, but the heat burning in his heart forced him to let it go. He smiled at Remus for the first time during the meeting and the man returned it hesitantly.

“Do you want to get a drink?” Sirius questioned after a beat of silence.

Remus looked at him curiously. “Like at a pub?”

“Yeah, there’s a nice Muggle one around the corner. It’s much nicer than here, and I could do with a pint.” 

Remus looked around, examining all the people in the cafe, and then smiled at Sirius.

“I’d love to.” 

The walk from the cafe to the pub was quiet. The sun had already set, and the street lights were few and far between. The people they passed were all party goers, dressed in brightly coloured neon fabrics or full black attire with mohawks and chains.

Remus and Sirius carefully avoided everyone they passed. They walked in silence, with an unfamiliar distance between them. It’s measured, and both knew that they couldn’t be any closer than about a foot. Walking so close to Remus without being able to actually walk with him was almost painful.

They finally approached an unassuming building and stopped. The door was covert, covered in posters like the walls. Sirius pushed it open and they stepped inside. The room was homely and warm. There weren't many people, and the bartender smiled at them when they walked in.

Sirius went up to him. “Two pints of Skol, please.”

The bartender nodded and quickly poured them their drinks. Remus grabbed one and Sirius the other. They made their way to a secluded booth at the back of the pub. For a while they both stared down at their pints, taking sips and avoiding the growing tension.

Finally, Remus spoke. “So, how's the Auror work going?”

“Okay, actually. There’s not much action, but we’ve found a few more leads on the Malloy case.”

Remus grinned at him. “It must never get boring.”

Sirius snorted, shaking his head, “Believe me, it can.”.

The conversation flowed easily after that. They ordered another beer each, and then another, and both began to feel slightly tipsy. Sirius always felt able to talk about anything when Remus was around. It wasn’t even awkward anymore. It just felt right.

“And then,” slurred Remus, “The lady didn’t even order anything!” Sirius laughed a little too much at the joke, but he was young and in love and a little drunk, so why not?

“You're so funny,” he murmured.

Remus flushed and looked down at his pint. It was finished. “I’ll get the next round then.” he mumbled before getting up and walking to the bar, stumbling slightly. Sirius’ alcohol-addled brain didn’t even think to be discreet as he stared at Remus’ arse on the way up.

Remus returned and set down another two beers and a couple of shots. “Though I’d mix it up a bit.” He said, grinning cheekily.

Sirius raised one eyebrow and picked up a shot. “One the count of three?”

Remus nodded. “One, two, three!”  


“You're so pretty,” He said, before petting Remus’ head.

“I know,” Remus slurred. “But I’m not good for you.” He punctuated his words by tapping Sirius on the nose.

Sirius glared at him playfully. “Yes, you are!” he insisted.

“You're so, so,” his face scrunched up in thought. “Punk.”

Sirius chuckled and smiled dopely at Remus. “Do ya think we should go now?”

“I don’t want to, but maybe we should.” Remus replied, pouting.

Sirius grinned at him and helped him out of his chair. He clumsily thanked the bartender as he walked out, oblivious to the sneers from some customers, and staggered onto the street.

Remus was practically clinging to his side, chuckling as they walked. Pretty soon they found a phone booth and Sirius rang it. His fingers were clumsy, and he held the phone the wrong way at first, but he eventually worked it out.

Finally, they sat on the pavement and waited for their taxi. Both were slightly more sober now. They stared up at the sky together, pressed into each other to avoid the cold. Sirius thought Remus looked just as beautiful drunk and tired as he did sober.

“You'll answer my owls this time, won’t you?” He mumbled. Remus hummed in agreement.

The taxi arrived not long after, and they spent the ride in silence. Remus dozed off halfway, so Sirius had to gently wake him to get him inside. The man groaned as he opened his eyes and then smiled up at Sirius sleepily.

Remus was just hauling himself through the door when he turned and placed a single sloppy kiss on Sirius’ mouth. Sirius felt his whole body tingle. He watched Remus stagger upstairs before getting back into the taxi and directing the driver to his house.

He spent the whole ride grinning like the cat that got the cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


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